Dragon In You

It has taken me decades to begin to understand boundaries. The phrase "protect your peace" has had a creeping dark shadow of fear of abandonment and also prevalent, shame for leaving. Many times on this journey of life have I felt the pulling of 'if only I had' or 'If only they had'. And I had found myself often in mental torment. With intrusive thoughts minute by minute trying to dissect every word, action, breath... To no avail. I have never been able to truly know what others are thinking. Even if honest in the moment, moments change people grow or change their minds. I know this because this is true for me. So how do we have faith and forge relationships when at the end of the day we only have ourselves? How do we put forth new content like blogs and books and reels when others have done it before? How do we find gumption and fervor in bones? How do I do things that are beyond my abilities and turn to my children and tell them to do the same? How do I act ...

I've spent much of my life reflecting. Usually in the form of either by whiplash into a moment I wasn't expecting, or in very sacred moments I start by anticipate days, weeks or months before an annual date presents itself to me. I'm here to tell you about one year ago, ten years ago, and... today. One year ago I sat broken hearted and shattered in my home. I had tried it the hard way for decades. Pulling strength I didn't have to barely make through the day. One year ago I wrote on my social media: "Do I eat chocolate or tell people it still hurts. Both. 9 years ago I married Michael. 6 years after that Micheal died. With 50,000 things in between. And I'm sure l've been judge for 50,000 of them. 2 years later I'm still searching for community and a place to feel at ease. I have not processed a lot of this. But my body is telling me I need to. So l'm sitting down. I'm pulling up a chair. And I'm offering to be seen. I am the bride in the pic...

  June 29 2020: I had to bring immense purpose to my life. To my daily schedule. Leave nothing to chance. Wake up. Yoga. Care for kids. Matcha. music. All to live. In, around, over, under, and within peace. Collectively. Leaving no time for destruction. Not suppressing sadness or anger. But channeling hope. Channeling my dreams. Driving towards release. To find me. To free my children of grown up fears. Emotions that create monsters in closets.  Emotions that lead to imagination running into the darkest woods. Not meant for innocence. Not ok for those in pain. Those whose innocence has since fled are still entitled to humanity’s grace. I beg you give me grace. It started with the Red Sea parting. I drove forward. With raging waters on both sides of me. So daunting, it felt like I was squeezing through a pinhole. A tiny speck of Earth that was destined for me. Destined for my serenity. Allowing myself to trek on towards peace.  And to my surprise. The rain came down. ...