Live Laugh Love

The holidays have always come with expectation. Each year the picture in my head grew smaller and smaller of what a loving festivity should look like. But try as I might to have it “just be another day.” The Holidays were not. 

Decorations, a constant reminder of those who love this season. A feeling I wished I had but that sensation so unfamiliar. So what was I to do? For a few years after my husband died I hid from all things that were a celebration. Repeating the phrase “this is just another day.” But what was I so afraid of? What part of myself was shamed for not having a partner by my side or the guster required to flood the house with autumn colors and then turn winter theme? What about majestic snow covered mountains drew me in and also broke my heart (read blog post ‘Pitch of Honesty’ for that explanation.) 

So this year, surrounded by some friends one of them posed a question. “How are we going to be kind to ourselves as moms and not aim for perfection this year during the holidays?” As each inspiring woman spoke her truth about full houses and traditions I looked inward upon myself. 

Two days prior I was driving down the freeway (one of my favorite places to think.) When I felt the pull to do more this year. Instead of ignoring the holidays until the day of and then making a flashy day of it to “make the core memory” a requirement I felt to do as a mom… only to swiftly move on with life. I wanted intention this year. And right in front of me I got to witness the intentions of my friends gathered in a circle sharing how important these things were. The inspiration I needed to hold myself up to a higher standard I felt ready for this year. 

As the circle moved and inched closer to my turn, I held close the desired on my heart ready to speak and be heard. 

“I am going to make an apple pie with my kids and start that tradition.” My perfection and expectation barely hit an inch above the base of Mount Everest. And that would make myself proud of me. To bake with my children a recipe I’ve made a hundred times.

So now why you ask name the title of this blog “Live Laugh Love” what does that have to do with cutting and baking apples? Because while thinking more and then proudly executing the best apple pie of the the century! (Well I think so anyways! Love is  a real ingredient!) I thought of all the ways I started small. All the very little ways I made it through a day, and hour, and yes sometimes a minute).

“Take it Easy” “YOLO” “I did my best” “I can try again tomorrow” “I can do hard things.”

Are all simple mantras that I have said. And yet, they are just words. “Take it Easy” what did that mean? The politics around YOLO “you only live once”. “I can try again tomorrow” so I’m giving up today with hope in a sunrise. And finally giving myself grace through all the ways I could bring myself down instead of focusing on the fact that things are hard. I’m allowed to think they are hard. And I know “I can do hard things.”

Sometimes when I look at cheep shots thrown from the critic in my head I know I can think back to the moments when all the little things added up to one big personality I identify as Mariah. Someone I have love for. Self love. That’s what got me to the place where I speak of my tiny wins and look into my own heart and realize they are actually quite big.

So the next time you hear someone say their goal, that might seem small to you…. Be like my mom’s group and express how proud you are of them. And please, from me to you…. Know that for whatever it’s worth… I’m proud of you too.

Love,

Mariah