Yada Yada Yada... Be Kind Too

We crown ourselves and set jewels of 'It's my right to do that!' all around. Walking around with heads held high, tiaras kept straight. But let me tell you of the danger of mixing up nice and kind. 

It is nice to be authentic. It is nice to own your space. It is nice to do what you want to do because it brings you happiness. But then there it sits in the corner. Hello kind, would you like the stage for a minute? Let me tell you a story of a nice Halloween decoration. It was nice, for the owner. They enjoyed it... yada yada yada. 

As the years of Halloween progressed I started with a mindset of "How fun is this for my child Ronan", to sending Ronan's dad photos because he was deployed, then finally doing Halloween together as a family in Utah with our newborn baby girl, and Pennsylvania as a family of 4, then a recently separated on the path of divorce single mom halloween in San Diego with two very small children. All of which were fairly regular albeit some sadness ebing and flowing throughout. 

On October 5th 2021 however I got the most horrifying news of my life. My husband had just died and aside from the obvious horror that brought.... in upcoming weeks and days I was surrounded by houses that were displaying skeletons, gravestones, and using scary things to participate in a culturally accepted tradition. 

Then in came my kind children and I. Two Halloween's ago (2023) and I began our neighborhood walk. My son eagerly ran up to a door as I put some pep in my step to keep up. There it was, right at the base of the doorframe. A fake gravestone saying "R.I.P." a possibly cheap little piece that the owner picked up and placed in their yard as a way to contribute to a holiday that I don't particularly like.... but nevertheless engage in every year. 

"Why do you have that?" My son asked the friendly lady holding a bowl of candy ready to hand to him.

"It's a gravestone for Halloween." She responded.

"I know. My daddy has one of those." He replied. The lady gave us the shell shocked face we were now use to. My innocent son was talking about something rarely 7 year olds talk about. The lady seemed kind and at a loss for words. I did what I always did and moved my children along. I told them to say "thank you" and we walked to the next house. As my son ran along and my daughter trailed behind him, I kept thinking about that interaction. I wondered if the decoration would be up next year. 

When the next Halloween came my curiosity peaked. Here was a neighbor that knew what her decoration directly reminded her neighbors of. She looked into a little boy's eyes who has a Daddy he can only visit at a real gravesite. Then thinking of what she stored in her attic for October on her lawn. Her decorations were nice. But I don't look at halloween costumes that depict the afterlife what happens after a spirit leaves a body and think it's kind. 

So what should I do? Take my crown and add another jewel? Cascade around town and find every person to tell them that they need to take it down? Trust me for years I wanted to. 

So why write this on the week of Christmas? Why attempt to talk about a topic so big, so unimaginably hard to obtain? The topic of trying our best to be nice to ourselves while being kind to everyone. The reason is because of Christmas. I love seeing Christmas lights and nativity scenes. I love that they are cared enough about to be stored in attics. I also know that they might bring pain to others. And this is why I see the holidays at joint-custody. The Halloween-ies get their month and Christmas-tinis get ours. We can have a space to pull out our boxes in the attic and participate in a tradition that came before us. 

The neighbor did not put out her gravestone that next year. I have long since thought about that and the embedded kindness that she showed myself and my children by doing so. She put away something she thought was nice because she knew it was a painful reminder to my children. She removed her pride and right to do whatever she wants in this free nation... and went with kindness instead. 

I deeply wish that when possible we can do the same to all of our neighbors. That our 'right to do so' doesn't need to be held up in offense over someone not getting it right when expressing themselves. Or that something they have done reminded them of a painful memory, they tell you, and you take that moment to armor up and make it worse because its you gosh darn right to do so on your property you pay good money to own. It's not kind to make things worse to prove a point. 

I participate in Halloween because I know how much my kids love it, how if kept superficial it can be a cute thing for them. I have tried to let go of the shock I feel every time I see a skeleton. But I also know that things I do, others have adverse reactions to them. So on this memorable Chrisma-hanu-kwanza-kah I want to look for the ways to be kind. Will you try too? We are stronger together.