Good Intentions, Bad executions

 “Do you know the life I want for you!?” I exclaimed in a deeper more forceful voice than I intended. I had woken up late and left the house to go have coffee and play date with friends. Leaving the house and breaking a cardinal rule. Never leave the house when it’s dirty. 

I operate my life in a few categories, to the extreme. A clean house is one of them. For years, with small children and exhaustion state as the baseline I had a cluttered house. Small children, and all the beautiful physical things that came with that. But because of something that occurred a few days after Thanksgiving 2021 (more details on that in my memoir “Dragon In You”) I have significantly downsized on the things in my life. 

Although I could look back and claim triggers to all of this and there would be truth in that. I choose to look at my clean house as a way to thank and take care of myself, despite the origin. I would be only telling part of the truth in that statement though. Triggers do catch me blind sometimes. And one of the easiest ways to take care of my mental health is by never leaving the house unless it’s clean. I know this about myself. I also know I can work to make myself not triggered by this… and have done work on that. But today, this is the mental state that I am in. Today I will get better, but not be completely cured. I’m proud of myself for that. So back to this afternoon:

My daughter, curled under the table as silent tears welled in her eyes. I had just told her to go under the table and pick up the trash and put away the shoes. Something inside me knew she was not doing that. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe it was the familiar feeling of hiding that I had done throughout my life. I kneeled down, looked into her eyes and frustration boiled through my body. “Do you know the life I want for you!” I exclaimed feverishly. With frustration I thought of all of my intentions. The shoes daughter. I bought them for you to run, to play, to go to school and learn. They are for you to have a good life with. The trash that held the craft you were doing. The trash that was discarded because you saw only the prize inside. Now on the floor. All I asked was that she picked it up. So that more crafts could enter the house and my game of catch up could feel more like a team project instead of a stewardess and gate keeper to their happiness while I drown. An absolute over reaction on my part from an issue and insecurity that lay deep and not fully addressed within me. Not something my daughter should be accountable for at all.

All of my intentions were for her well being. But the execution on my part removed the ability for her to see that these were for us to have a wonderful life together. In a later conversation I heard her express fear and shame instead of my intention to have the team effort I desired in that moment. I have found this pattern time and time again in conversations. I have felt frustration that mirrored hiding under a table with welled up tears, shame and fear filled heart. I know others have felt that way with me. I mean, it happened today even. I have a feeling I will be writing about this more as it is been something on my heart for a long time. But for this moment, I just want to acknowledge this space and these spots and finish the day with a reflection of good intentions with bad executions. Choosing to focus on grace for myself and others.