An 'I Told You So' God

It has taken me decades to begin to understand boundaries. The phrase "protect your peace" has had a creeping dark shadow of fear of abandonment and also prevalent, shame for leaving. Many times on this journey of life have I felt the pulling of 'if only I had' or 'If only they had'. And I had found myself often in mental torment. With intrusive thoughts minute by minute trying to dissect every word, action, breath... To no avail. I have never been able to truly know what others are thinking. Even if honest in the moment, moments change people grow or change their minds. I know this because this is true for me.

So how do we have faith and forge relationships when at the end of the day we only have ourselves? How do we put forth new content like blogs and books and reels when others have done it before? How do we find gumption and fervor in bones? How do I do things that are beyond my abilities and turn to my children and tell them to do the same? How do I act like a god when I am not one?

This week I had mentioned getting a haircut to which the person replied "Didn't you just get one?" I responded that "I'm learning that I like to have things in control so I know what to expect." I like my hair a specific length. An inch above or below and I'm merely settling for when it can be perfect again. I have a whole host of reasons I like it exactly the way it is. Control of my hair leads to the chance of expectations being met, greater. 

So what does hair have to do with a God that told me so? It doesn't. The two things in Christianity that I've heard in the past year and a half of attending church is that we have a flesh and a spirit. We are constantly battling our flesh to obtain peace by channeling our spirit. That's what hair has to do with this. That's why I don't know of a God that 'told me so'. I know of a God that said "if this is what you want here's the way." The definition of hell is not a place where flames grow high. It's a place void of God. 

So let me try and tie all of this together. I'm attempting to take years of intrusive thoughts and shame and exploit it. I've given over to God trying to know what people's motives are, and here's how. I keep my hair at a certain length, I go to bed at a certain time, I makes sure I know where things are in my house, I have a very controlled life so that I don't regress into triggers that have before consumed me. I battle my flesh and these are some of the ways I do it. Through boundaries. So that I can focus on feeding my spirit. 

I have had to learn myself deeply, and let go of what pulls me away from that. That's meant leaving people, that's meant being left (although it is important to remember that people can become healthy again and renter if that is safe to do so. It is the willingness to respect boundaries and that will ensure this). But more deeply it's meant I can do things to bring forth desired outcomes but I am not in control. I am not  God. But I want to live with God on earth and in the afterlife. I can't control what people think of this post or my book, or my intentions. I can't color people with rose to let them see me in a perfect light. I really want to, but I can't. And through my boundaries, doing things that I can stand behind, and being in the places that tame my flesh and bring me peace. I can get behind that.