I'm Starting Here

I've spent much of my life reflecting. Usually in the form of either by whiplash into a moment I wasn't expecting, or in very sacred moments I start by anticipate days, weeks or months before an annual date presents itself to me. I'm here to tell you about one year ago, ten years ago, and... today.

One year ago I sat broken hearted and shattered in my home. I had tried it the hard way for decades. Pulling strength I didn't have to barely make through the day. One year ago I wrote on my social media:

"Do I eat chocolate or tell people it still hurts. Both. 9 years ago I married Michael. 6 years after that Micheal died. With 50,000 things in between. And I'm sure l've been judge for 50,000 of them. 2 years later I'm still searching for community and a place to feel at ease. I have not processed a lot of this. But my body is telling me I need to. So l'm sitting down. I'm pulling up a chair. And I'm offering to be seen. I am the bride in the picture. But I also feel like I don't really know her at all."

In wild desperation I turned to the internet as a proclamation that I was taking back my life. I needed community, friends, and purpose but layered beneath that I needed a life I wasn't running from... but running to. For every word I wrote in that post, there was 1,000 more that I could have said after that. And then, with a new posture in my heart and letting all of my past come forth I took what was sacred and scary to me and exposed it.

A month later I sat on the floor at a birthday party coloring with my daughter. The host came in and said hi to me. The conversation led to her inviting me to a Saturday morning moms group at her church. I'd spend the next few months meeting incredible women who walked alongside me week by week. 

A few months later I made a phone call to a therapist and told her a summarized version of the past 32 year and then told her if she thought she could help me... cool. But if she was going to waste my time to save me the trouble and not take me on as a client. Classy huh?!

By May of that year I had 167 page word document of my entire life. A journal I had that held every feeling, every panic attack, every happy moment and devastating one too. In chronological order, I had written out my life. On accident I had.... well. A book. I told my friend in my church life group and she had her husband walk me through the steps to getting it published. I followed his step by step guide he curated for me and by June I had an editor for my book. 

Now knowing the next right step I went back onto the internet. On the 4 year mark of when I had to separate from my husband for safety concerns. I wrote:

4 years ago I had to make the most important decision of my life. It took 3 days to execute. To save my life and to stop the cycle of mental, psychological, emotional, and physical hurt. I started planning my departure from Pennsylvania. Days later would be standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona with my 2 children and mom. I was reminded today that it is ok if I "flopped like a fish" until I found the ocean's great abyss of knowledge and belonging. That it's ok that those who did not understand fell by the wayside. Because they were not with me on that corner. They were not with me in that house I escaped from. They did not look into my (now) late husband's eyes with fear and desperation as he gazed back with the same expression. After 4 years I am still picking up pieces. I'm still flopping around. But I can confidently say I built myself up, put on armor of love instead fear. As I drive today in my life now, I hold space for the life I never imagined and never asked for. But am tying my bootstraps once again and treading forward with grace and deep appreciation for time.

It was the first time I had ever said anything about my relationship with my late husband. Only a handful of people knew that knew I had left and under what circumstances. And even then I toned down the severity several notches. My inbox flooded with concern for me and shock. People had no idea. Now, they did.

By July I announced that I had wrote a book and it was being edited. I broke the internet again:

I am way more comfortable hiding behind my keyboard... That will become evident through my memoir which will be released pending the editor going though it. Although it is incredibly uncomfortable for me to stand here and read off this statement I feel like it is the next right move for me.

I have mentioned in the past, things alluding to the tragedy that I have gone though. But I have always been terrified of coming straight out and saying it. So I wrote it. I grew to understand deeply that the only way out and to mend heartache was heading straight into the eye of the storm. I walk you through my journey in my book. The past 4 years I have silently died inside as I kept all of my thoughts and feelings to myself. I recovered through writing. But the loneliness I kept to myself because I feared rejection and others not wanting to be associated with something so hard because of the way it would make them feel, or what they would it would have to address inside them. Put deep scars on my heart. Scars I hope to prevent others from having.

Dragon In You is a memoir of the first 32 years of my life. I grew up Mormon, started dating my husband (Military for 14 years) who devastatingly struggled with PTSD and coped through addictions. I stayed with him for as long as I could before my physical safety grew more and more at risk. I then had to leave and advocate for him by removing myself.

He died in 2021 leaving behind myself and our 2 children. I left the Mormon Church and struggled with God for many years before finding my spirituality again and God. But until that moment I was in the depths of hell, alone and scared. The intention of this is to show you how I found love and healing through the imperfections of relationships. How I gave and received grace.

In September I then was approached by a fellow widow who wanted to start a support group in San Diego. I was all in! I traveled an hour north many times to a support group like it and now I was presented with a chance to bring it 15 minutes from my house! A few months prior I had celebrated my one year anniversary with attending that support group and wrote this:

I took a huge leap and went to a group support in San Clemente at a church. I got there early and with my thoughts consuming me, drove to the nearby beach and we all played in the ocean in our clothes. Covered in the healing powers of the salty water and split (slightly irrational decisions) my little family walked into the building.

I was around for the first time people who had the same marital status as me. They could feel the cloud of anxiety around me as I dropped the kids off in childcare and went to the side room of the church to just sit. That was my only goal. Sit. I was not open at all to anything anyone said until the speaker got up. Spoke out loud his nervousness because he's never been in a room full of people who understand him and the depth of the words he had to say.

The rawness of his comment forced me without thinking to turn my heard and started listening. I've come back to that room many times now. Through this last year I have grown a family of people who understand. I came back to this beach yesterday, intentionally. With the correct clothes, sand toys, and towels. I held space for the place and friends who accepted me before I came prepared. They told me in their words and actions that I they will always have space for me. I came as I was and l've grown to where l am now with the help of my very dear best friends.

On October 5th 2024 I published my book. 3 years to the day of my husband's passing.

In December I had officially been single for one year. A year of finding myself and my way (not to say I couldn't have done that with a man by my side.) But it was officially one year of putting me and my family first. Stability mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Now for the grand finale you have defiantly earned (hey so have I!!) Today. On what should have been my 10 year wedding anniversary I stood along incredible fellow widows as we launched Never Alone Widows San Diego Chapter! Allen's flowers donated flowers after hearing my story and that my husband had delivered flowers to me from their shop while he was deployed in 2017. I have been so humbled this year. Taking turns left and right not knowing what was around the corner but guided in faith and hope I tried my best to listen to where God wanted me and who he knew I could become. I asked for a life to run towards.. With faith and determination I am starting here.