I Just Want to Live My Life

Haven't we all said it at one point in time... I mean sometimes daily. "I just want to live my life" has been one of the most confusing statements for me. What is the balance of healthy boundaries and bat sh*t crazy? Why does it seem the bat sh*t tell you you're crazy and they are normal? And the real million dollar question... are they actually right?

Why has my value always been in the hands of another? Who was it on the playground in first grade? What teacher gave me a side eye? And who told me to stop dancing? Most importantly, why did all these voices matter if God just asks us to aim partly at the dart board of ambiguous instruction, intermixed with what feeds our carnal and instant gratification....then hope for the best. That is after all how I lived almost all of my life. Thinking things would work out the way I wanted IF I did everything I possibly could to make that happen. Including loosing myself and becoming others personal saviors trying to convince people of things that they could only be convicted of if they asked and fell in love with God themselves. I wasn't a debate team leader, and my self worth is not in them becoming good for ME. A God that was only partly sovereign was what I banked on, while I wait on bated breath and filled my life with addictions to fill in the gap. 

When I started learning of an ancient man who walked the earth fully man and fully God, I believed the people who told me this. Jesus, who children sat at his feet as he told of a place where all your worries and insecurities would disappear. I fed in and cashed all my coins on this. An escape, and eject, and most of all someone to love and validate me. Recently I learned that Jesus was smart too. That meant a lot to me. I began to respect him more than a fairy tale with a happy ending. He became every answer I was searching for and spiritually died trying to find in the world.

More specifically I learned that in the Garden of Eden, God told Adam not to eat the apple. So Adam told Eve not to touch the tree. In my infant mind I would have read this as a caring action on Adam's part. Let's make sure Eve doesn't even touch it. But we weren't made to follow man. Then add the confusion of a person labeling it God's commandment. That's why God gave us access to conviction. Yes I ate the apple, I'm going to royally biff it even still. But I am not half-hearted aiming at what God has convinced me is the only way for me to keep my soul alive. Proverbs 30:6 says "Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar" Sound harsh doesn't it? Until you are face to face with someone who said "I did it because I thought it was best for you." The only person who knows what's best for me is the one who created heaven and earth and then breathed life into me and everything around me.

I met God's grace. Grace didn't tell me "Its ok you'll do better next time." or "as long as you are trying your damndest you'll be ok." or "your intentions were good so it's ok" It told me that I am ok. I am loved. Grace is unmerited favor, love and mercy. So long as I have no desire for that forbidden apple. The good news is, when you follow God there is no appetite for poisonous apples. I've witnessed it happen in my life.

Grace told me that Jesus is the better Adam. That we don't have to hate Adam.... we just can't follow his cardinal and mortal mistake or try to be the one to save him. Jesus is the better husband, the better friend, the better Savior. Turns out, Jesus was right. Anytime I try to convince myself that I am to prevent the fall of others I act out of fear. I deny them the goodness of knowing.

So back to the million dollar question... am I crazy or are "they?". I'd say neither. My crazy and their crazy is a personal walk one with 2 footprints in the sand if you let Jesus carry you. 

I know that when I try to re-write history, force a narrative, bold face lie to myself and others, or justify actions... I will be left on the ball field because these actions are to take away the freedom of others to touch the tree. It confuses others of God's commandments even if done in love it's saturated in fear that God doesn't have a handle on this. I don't want to just live my life. I want to continue to thrive and not go back into the grave I was raised from.